


For me, will you?

by Hannahmayski



Series: Supernatural S1 codas [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s01e04 Phantom Traveler, Gen, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester is Missing, Sam Winchester-centric, Season/Series 01, and also abt how john never told sam he as proud or acted like he was, and now he has that voicemail saying to call dean, and the boys were calling morgues and hospitals to see if they had their dad's body, but told random fucking people, fuck u, good job asshole ur son still thinks u hate him and u disowned him so, i cannot stand the man, i will kill john winchester with my bare hands, john just fucking. sending them on random hunts to keep them off his ass, like the boys didn't even know if he was alive, so he can get revenge, this fic is when they find out john's phone is no longer disconnected, this is anti-john winchester <3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27193225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannahmayski/pseuds/Hannahmayski
Summary: This is John Winchester,the voice says. It’s as husky and broken as Sam remembers.I can’t be reached. If this is an emergency call my son Dean: 785-555-0179.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Supernatural S1 codas [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977949
Comments: 5
Kudos: 60





	For me, will you?

**Author's Note:**

> Posting this shit at 12am. Yes, there will be errors. Yes, this is a threat.

Sam thinks he knows the man. Even if it's just a little. He knows the beer John drinks and how he orders his weapons in the trunk of his car so well he could pack the impala like that with his eyes closed. He knows he's not naturally an early riser but when he's not getting fucked up at the pub, he gets up early anyway.

Sam's used to the early mornings and long days. John raised them as soldiers and Sam tried tooth and nail to fight it. He remembers how John would look at him when he found Sam studying, how’d he would inspect Sam’s work with the guns with a thick, undisguised look of disdain and get Dean to do it again – _better._

John’s hands are covered in scars and thick, old callouses that could never quite understand what it meant to be gentle.

Sam knows that revenge is what drives John, and maybe that's something that he can understand a little better now, but still. He likes to think that if he had two tiny helpless children to look after, he'd put the kid's needs first, before the anger.

Sam likes to think that he wouldn’t let it make him eat him alive until all he can do is hunt and _hunt_ and the two children in his care are commodities. That they wouldn’t become soldiers like them. Soldiers in John Winchester’s war.

Sam grew up with the man. He remembers how his childhood played out. The endless fights between him and John, the way the man never told Sam anything he didn't think he absolutely needed to know. The way he’d scream at him if ever got the courage up to ask.

He remembers when he told Sam to skip his own graduation. The way that Sam can’t think of one single instance where the man looked at him and looked _proud._

Sam spent his whole life trying to get away from John - the John that he knew, at least.

Jerry seems like a nice guy. Normal.

Jerry trusts Dean, and Dean seems to like the guy enough that both of them can relax around him.

Jerry knew John, but apparently, not the John Sam knew.

_Said he was real proud,_ Jerry says. He's not facing Sam, just leading him and Dean to his office and Sam can feel his own face shut down. It cripples in on him until there's nothing left there but stone.

(He'd spent so long at Stanford trying to beat himself out of that. People find smiling, friendly faces more approachable, but a couple of months into hunting and it's as though all of Sam's time spent building himself new is all fucking gone.)

He sees Dean sneak a glance at him, and he tries to ignore the _see, Sam? I was right_ that would be spilling from his lips.

John had given Sam a shiner and a split lip the day he told him he was leaving for Stanford, he'd ignored him for the few weeks between telling him about college and leaving, and as a farewell gift had given Sam another black eye and told him to never come back.

And then he tells a stranger that he's _proud._

And here they are again, on a wild fucking goose chase for their father - and isn't that just reminiscent of their entire lives?

Dad is _always_ missing. He was always gone, and Sam doesn't think he's ever been there when he and Dean needed him.

Sam wants to find him, wants to hug him, wants him to look Sam in the eyes and tell him he loves him.

And he wants to punch him in the face and scream at him until Sam’s voice gives out _._

Jessica is dead and she burned in front of Sam’s face. Jessica is dead. His life uprooted and splayed out in front of him like vomit that he can't clean up - and there's probably one person on the entire planet who honestly understands how Sam's feeling right now and that person disconnected the phone.

Sam tunes out Jerry for a second, watches one of the workers manage to trip over air and narrowly miss scraping his head raw on a piece of metal that definitely shouldn’t be sticking out like that and tries to scrape his mind together enough to focus, enough to get through the day.

It’s all he can do.

Dean raises the phone to his ear, leaning towards Sam as the voice message plays out. Sam huddles closer, hands firm on the roof of the Impala so maybe he won’t feel like throwing up. He focuses on the dead patch of grass at his feet. 

_This is John Winchester,_ the voice says. It’s as husky and broken as Sam remembers. _I can’t be reached. If this is an emergency call my son Dean: 785-555-0179._

Dean’s face is poorly concealed devastation. Sam can see it from the corner of his eye. The way his face is pinched together like if he relaxes for a second he’s going to start crying. He lets his hand fall into his lap and for a moment, neither of them say anything.

It settles in his chest like a fire. Burning and furious and he wants to scream, to punch something. He feels tears burning his eyes and he blinks them back before they can fall.

Sam’s tried his phone more times than he can count. He’s listened to the automated voice tell him that the number is dead. Sam's called hospitals, morgues, jails to look for him and John is alive, and he won’t even pick up the phone. Sam’s life fell apart – is _falling_ apart - and his dad won’t even pick up the phone.

Sam thinks he knows the man.

Sam thinks he doesn't know him at all.

**Author's Note:**

> I fell asleep writing this rip

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[PODFIC] For me, will you?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687739) by [NamesNamesandMoreNames](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NamesNamesandMoreNames/pseuds/NamesNamesandMoreNames)




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